This Week's Hater: Everett True
The latest Historical Hater is a little bit of a departure from Messrs Douglass and Diogenes, but he's such a hardcore hatin' SOB that I'm willing to bend the rules slightly.
His name is Everett True, and while he's not historical in the sense of being an actual person, he is from HISTORY; more specifically, from around the turn of the century. Around 1906, a couple of dudes named A.D. Condo and J.W. Raper were apparently just so towering pissed off about all the irritating people in the world that they created Mr. True, a ludicrously fat asshole with a bowler, an umbrella, and a fucking temper, and gave him his own comic strip, The Outbursts of Everett True.
He's like the embodiment of this blog. This intro page could be a damn mission statement for the Hater's Ball.
The comic strip's structure is simplicity itself, 2 panels of pain which efficiently distribute the two requirements of any hate-on:
1. The hate-worthy action (Everett gets pissed)
2. The hating (Everett lays down the law)
Everett True does not take shit. He dishes it out, most often in the form of a savage beating, often involving his umbrella. He hates without prejudice or concern for authority, brutalizing (or at least threatening) cops and priests just as easily as perverts and inconsiderate assholes. Hardcore.
From time to time, especially when dealing with pests who happen to be of the feminine persuasion, Everett will exercise some restraint, merely humiliating his victims, or causing them extreme emotional pain, without actually beating them to a pulp.We may not always be familiar with the specific problems Everett seeks to solve with his cartoonishly large fists (I hadn't even heard of Roosevelt's reformed spelling before this strip, or had problems with a sleeping car hog), but I think we all know what he's feeling, and we support his willingness to take action while we merely draw comics, or, say, write blog posts.
I thought it would be fun to look over past gripes we've had on this blog and ask, What Would Everett True Do?
My "Cool Side of the Pillow" problem: Throw the entire staff into a gutter, then destroy their printing press
Bundy's Amtrak problems: Administer a brutal beatdown to the entire Amtrak system, trains and all, with his umbrella
Tirth's arrogant UC Berkeley problem: Toss them out of a window, saying "Think you're the only university in California, eh? Well let's see if you can fly, hot-shots!"
The whole world's Tom Brady problem: Straight up mutilate him
Understand, I'm not advocating violence as a solution to all your problems. I'm just saying that if we were all a bit more assertive like Everett True, the world would be a better place
6 comments:
that guy is bad ass. that's how i wish i could live my life, but i'm not fat enough and i don't have an umbrella.
Well bundy you could rectify both of those problems with a little hard work.
I nominate this as the best post post of the year
i like both his cigar and his deep fondness for throwing people off trains.
my god, how times have changed.
good post
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