These Are The Grippers That Changed The World

My last post was noticeably lacking in hate. This one is still generally positive but there's always a little vitriol to be found in demonizing the competition.

In my search for a sign for my door and a grip exerciser, I have come across that most excellent of Internet phenomena, the insane niche culture: groups of geographically disparate people who use the Internet to discuss and intensify their personal obsessions. These people used to collect the items of their choice and sit in the basement with them after work, counting and cataloging. Now they go on the online and chat for hours with fellow enthusiasts, create websites devoted to their common interests, and so on and so forth.

In my role as casual shopper I did not delve too deeply into these little subcultures, but what I did encounter was highly entertaining.

1. The sign

I am now thinking that a neon sign will be too expensive and clunky to be practical. I am now looking for a simple OCCUPIED-type sign, with the words printed onto some translucent plastic with a bulb mounted behind it. At first, however, I was thinking neon would be the way to go, so I asked Google for some information, and of course the Internet was happy to oblige. If I were to purchase a neon sign, it would be from this guy. He is just so devoted to neon signage. He believes in it with all his heart. Check the quote:

High impact, eye catching, real glass tube neon sign. This characteristic glow can attract customers like nothing else, virtually burning your identity into the minds of potential and future customers. Neon signs can be left on 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year...for decades. There is no light form in existence that has the visual impact of neon.

(I realize this is a company, not necessarily driven by one man. I just prefer to think of it as one man's dream.)

If his business has an actual physical location, I’ll bet he’s got an awesome neon sign for his neon sign store.

2. The grip exerciser

An Amazon search revealed there to be three basic categories of grip exercisers:

A: the crappy, overpriced little plastic toy/rubber squeeze ball you'd expect to find at Sharper Image, for yuppies who are tired of having their tennis rackets slip out of their hands after 2 martinis.

B: the New-Age feel-good weak-ass gripper with pleasing plastic contours and comfort-gel grips and inspirational messages printed on the side, designed for neo-hippies who had to get hand surgery after snapping a tendon in a disastrous bicycle collision (probably while high on illegal drugs) at a jam-band music festival, and who now need to do 10,000 reps at 3 pounds of resistance in order to get back their previous Wet Noodle grip strength.

C: The he-man woman-hater’s steak-and-potatoes gripper, made from cold-rolled steel and razor blades, for large men in trucker caps who want to be able to tear license plates in half.

Obviously I was most interested in group C. While there were several options, this line of products, from the subtly-named company Captains Of Crush, had the highest customer rating and by far the most reviews, many of which are hilarious (sample post titles: I will crush you, These babies are no joke!!, and The Ferrari of Hand Grips!!!).

This was clearly the gripper of choice for the real grip-happy subculture. I mean, check out the product description:

"Warning: Captains of Crush Grippers can be extremely addictive and the side effects of proper use include bigger forearms, a stronger grip and fewer aches and pains from the elbows to the fingertips. Captains of Crush Grippers from IronMind are known worldwide as the gold standard for building and testing grip strength. Available in ten strengths, there is a model perfect for everyone from rehab patients to World's Strongest Man winners. These are the grippers that changed the world, taking what had been a cheap, imported plaything and turning it into a serious training tool: Captains of Crush Grippers are known wherever strong men and women gather, and are used by champion athletes, elite military and public safety personnel, government leaders, CEOs, celebrities and extraordinary people of all ages, sizes and shapes. No. 1: Most people who lift weights can't close this gripper."

The company produces several models of the gripper, differentiated by difficulty, all the way up to the legendary No. 3 gripper. This particular contraption is so difficult to close even once that there is a special certification process for being able to do one rep on the No. 3. Dudes who do nothing but drive their trucks around and squeeze grip exercisers speak about the No. 3 in hushed tones. I have a feeling I could park a car on this thing and it wouldn’t budge.

Now, as much as I would love to have a “Captain of Crush” certificate to frame and hang on my wall, as I said earlier I think that I will need to physically test out my grip exerciser before I purchase it, to make sure it isn’t too difficult, or too easy, to use.

P.S.: "dialog" or "dialogue"? "catalog" or "catalogue"? I want to use the "ue" endings but firefox is telling me otherwise.