The Legend Of The Rollerblade Seven

I've got hate just boiling out my eyeballs, but my dorm room Internet connection is fucked up, and I want to be able to properly give form to my hate, do it justice, so I will not attempt to peck it out here, on this library terminal at one in the morning.

Actually, my hatred levels are pretty neutral right now, because my seething anger towards Tom Brady is balanced out by my wholehearted support of American Gladiators, which I am informed will be making its triumphant return to network television at some point in the near future.

Although now that I think about it, the American Gladiators I know and love is the one I see on ESPN Classic when I'm staying in hotels. It has Nitro and Malibu and Sunny and everyone wears unitards and headgear. Now I fear that Malibu is dead of liver failure related to his steroid use and my beloved American Gladiators will be rendered unrecognizable by those nefarious coastal television fat cats who are bringing it back for money-related reasons. I have visions of high production values and non-roided out Gladiators, of advertisements for Mountain Dew plastered on the once proudly red, white, and blue foam-padded equipment, of hip new events which will not do justice to the campy intensity of the old show.

American Gladiators always used to be all "Malibu is a ridiculously over-muscled California surfer dude! Those tennis balls are going at over 100 mph! Look at the size of that fucking foam rubber ball!"

Those were the days. Now it's going to be all "The new Gladiators are named Xtreme and Sk8er and Grrrl! They are extreme but totally healthy and don't do any steroids! LISTEN TO THAT TOP 40 POP GO!"

I was going to give up but my hate fueled me OVER THE TOP on this post.

Hate hate hate hate hate.

I am looking directly at a guy who looks a hell of a lot like Jesse Keller. It is unsettling.

Oh, I almost forgot: Fuck you, Tom Brady.whatta douche